Repent.

Thank you for replying to my last post, even if it is late it means a lot.
I agree that everything is really fucked up right now, but there is one thing you're wrong about.
I have no intention to stop loving you through my healing process. You are the soul reason I'm even bothering to get better in the first place. I'm very glad you've recognized that change is needed in our relationship. I know you never intended for it to end up this way, neither did I. I forgive you. For some reason when it comes to you I'm able to throw away my pride and bow down at your feet. I'd like to hang out with you at lunch as well, but I'm sure if I did that I would only end up ripping my skin open at the end of the day due to my imminence jealousy.
Like I've said you don't have to leave me completely. I just have to separate myself from you two together at the time being. You'll still see me around the hallways I'm sure of that.
I'm proud of you for growing up enough to see that you need to fight for what you want. I'm glad you two are staying together, your sanity is a need for me as well.
I'll tell you this now, if you ever need me run up to me and grab me by the lock you put around my neck and drag me away. If I ever show signs of leaving forever punch me as hard as you can, strangle me, I don't care. Fight to keep me at your side no matter how insane I may seem at the moment. I may be mad in the moment but later I would be thankful and happy. I'd do the same for you.
I'll tell you something, in my 17 years of life I've never actually felt "alive" I just felt like I was drifting through a dream but you make me feel alive. You make me realize that life isn't ALL downsides, there is a light there too but you have to work for it.
I'll have you know I have no intention of letting you go either. I've made you into this selfish creature and I am just as selfish. I will take responsibility for it. I may move away to Victoria but I will come back and visit often. I'm not leaving your life, I'm just leaving your relationship alone and giving you some breathing room while I sort through the chaos that is my own soul.
I'm a possessive woman, which is horrible I know, and I have no intention of letting my property leave my side. If you'd like I'll get down on one knee and swear my allegiance to you.
I honestly think you and I need to have a one on one meeting again.
When I'm old and things like vanity, pride, and greed are gone from my soul I'd like to still be able to come back into your waiting arms, is that okay or is it a bit too selfish of me?

Throw me in the water.

I love the city, and always have. I don't really think I'd be able to live in a city much bigger than Victoria, but I think it's beautiful. Especially when it rains. I'm not too fond of being in the rain but I really love looking out at it.

I'm a failure.

I apologize, a thousand times over I apologize. I'll never be able to convey my sorrow for this, never. Like you right now I am crying my eyes out, I feel horrible. I am horrible, I've known it from my birth that I'm horrible.
I don't want you to break up, or maybe I do. I want your happiness. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let you be happy, just slowly... separated myself from you two on my own accord. Running away suddenly in the rain was a bad idea probably. I can't think straight anymore.
Don't break up. I don't want to... have you and Cole hate me for being selfish.
Couples shouldn't restrict their love for selfish sensitive bastards like me. I realized while reading your reply, and by writing this... I'm the one who's pushed everyone away. Not the other way around. I'm the one who has failed, not anyone else. My own emotions have destroyed me, and I'm trapped. Even though you told me I've grown... I haven't. I'm still that weak little child cowering in the corner of her room begging for the pain to go away. Except this time it isn't a man destroying me, it's me destroying myself. I'm the adult here, I should think of the choice. I let a 14 year old dictate my life for me.
I've only grown to hate myself more for hurting you.
I promised you the world, gave it to you, and destroyed it. I really am an evil being like everyone says.
You will always have me whether it be physically or not.
My inability to live around love has destroyed me, truthfully a lot of people told me I was being stupid but I didn't listen. I wish I did now because it would have saved me from the pain I feel now. I don't want to live now, but I will continue to live - for no reason.
On the other hand you live for me, but all we do is talk on Twitter, and hang out with Cole. I don't feel special really. I did in the beginning but I've grown cold. I'm really fucked up huh? You deserve better than me don't you?
Please continue to be in love with Cole. I'll seclude myself in my corner. I'll talk to you on Twitter... that's what someone like me should do, right? That way you can be happy right? You can be in love with him and you still get to talk to me right? I just have to give some things up...
Don't ruin your life for me.
Next year will be great for you, you wont have to worry about satisfying me anymore or hiding from me anymore because I wont be around. Actually, don't worry about hiding from me. At school I wont be anywhere you will find me.
If you want, on Halloween I wont go out with you and Cole. I don't know how to fix this anymore, I thought I had all the answers, but I just brought up more questions. I'm too possessive, I'm too much. I want to change but I don't know how. I want to stop letting these emotions ruling me. I'll try my hardest I promise.
If we go with the option of me avoiding you I promise to send you a long letter like this every day detailing my day, and anything I would have told you in real life. I sound like a distant lover now. I'm hopeless.
One day in the future I hope to become the woman you thought I was, the strong independent one that you looked up to. Not this weak failure who clings onto you. Will you wait for that day? Will you still be around my side for that day? I don't want you to be suicidal, and if you two broke up that would have just ended all the work I made into making you happy. I really fucked everything up today. I don't know if things will ever be the same because I'm the type to run away.

---

I've slept now, and stopped my tears. My brain is a bit clearer despite just waking up from 10 hours of glorious sleep too deep to dream of the pain. Through that suffering night of blood mixed with tears, I realized one thing: The fear of losing you is more great than my fear of solitude. Well I suppose they tie in because if I lost you I'd be alone again... but you see my point I suppose.
Waking up I realized that I have a burning desire to fix this falling out. Note that it is mostly my fault, and not your own. You may think it's your fault more so than my own but that is not true. All you've done is fall in love and become obsessed with your boyfriend. All teenage girls, extracting myself, (I don't fall in love anymore) do this. My previous solution to just simply leave you alone at school probably isn't the best of ideas but in a situation such as this there isn't a whole lot to do.
The best fix for this is for me to get cured of this strong hatred towards the one thing that killed me. I have no idea on how to cure it though so please bare with me on this my darling. I talk like a romantic but in truth on the inside everything is all jumbled up and I feel like it's all turned black. I did say you re-awakened my emotions which you did but I don't know how to deal with them in a healthy way. So I suppose I've just been hurt by them. I want more than anything to be cured of this, so can you help me with that? At the moment I just feel very trapped. If I continue my hatred like this I really will push you away from me completely. Which terrifies me more than anything in the world, or in the underworld.

Selfish desires have selfish ends.

Yomenië., there is a lot I need to address currently and it's been building up for awhile now, I just wasn't aware of how much it effected me. I want you to know before I begin this that I love you a lot and that is exactly why I feel this way, not because of hate. I do not hate you, and I will never hate you.

Now that the obvious is out of the way I'll begin.

The main issue is you and Cole as I said in a really bad way today after school. I've told you at least three times already that I'm emotionally unstable and seeing you two being all lovey dovey doesn't help my psyche one bit, in fact it makes me more unstable. Haven't you noticed my mental state deteriorate over the past few weeks? I guess not. I actually fear this is all my fault also, after all I'm the one that got you two together, and I'm the one influencing you. As of late you've become really selfish, as selfish as me. You want me and Cole at the same time and you want to be a couple with him. You claim that you need me more than Cole but your actions prove the opposite. In fact, to me it looks like you don't need me at all. All you need me for is some blood donor and then someone to fix you up. You need Cole for everything else. You never hang out with me alone, or even make plans with me unless it involves him. All you talk about is him and how “perfect he is” or how you made out last night. I want you to know that REALLY hurts me, more than anything really. I feel like I've been lied to constantly. Even today when I said my problem, instead of getting an explanation you walked away from me to be with him. I stood there for a really long time walking towards the second bus stop and then stopping and walking after you. I knew I should have ran after you grabbed you and explained myself, that was the right thing to do... but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My pride got in the way and forced me to believe you need him more than me. My mom agrees with that statement also. I walked towards the bus stop and almost cried. Had I just ruined everything? That's why I decided that when I got home I would call Cole's house. You didn't sound hurt though, reinforcing the idea in my head that I've become obsolete now.

Last night I had a mental break down actually, which was why I was freaking out today. I couldn't handle it. Everything I care about is being taken away from me by that stupid emotion called “love” what I've been shown by this is that when people get lovers their friends become second priority. I hate it, a lot. It's not just you this has happened to me with. Bryanne has someone, Neve has someone, Tyler has someone. Everyone does, and then there's me. Left alone to hear everyone talking about how much they love their partners. It's selfish of me to say but I'm so jealous, I've been alone for 2 years with no one to love me there's only those who lust after my body.

You'll probably say “BUT YOU HAVE KYLE!” Which is true, I do and I care about him, but the difference is a lot. I can't love him, can't hold him, can't have him comfort me and fix my jealousy for couples because I'd finally BE a couple. Even if he was here I wouldn't do what you're doing right now, putting your friends second.

|Which comes to another point. Cole and you only like to skip, make out, bake, and be idiots. That's not very wise for a 14 year old is it? It's illegal for him to make out with you I'll have you know. It'd be so easy for you two to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and for him to get charged. The penalty is that he'd either get locked away in juvy until he's 19 or get tried as an adult and go to jail. Cole wouldn't be able to survive there, and you know that. I don't mean to scare you but I am a realist. Because you two are being such idiots and wont listen to a shred of logic I'm giving up more or less. I still love you more than anyone but I wont house you next time you get kicked out for being an idiot, I'd like to but my mother wouldn't do it. Why would we defend anyone who wont listen to logic in the first place? You've brought it on your selves. If Cole gets charged I wont stick up for him, because it's true. He's my child hood friend but that doesn't mean I support idiocy.

If you two want to continue being all lovey that's all fine and dandy, I don't give a shit. I just wont hang out with you two together. If that means I never get to hang out with either of you so be it, I do have other friends. It hurts a fucking lot for me to have to do that, but if you'd rather be with your lover than me I'm fine with that. I can't take it any more, I'm not that strong anymore.

You're probably wondering about Halloween now, I did promise you that I'd hang out with you and so I will, but if you so much as cuddle or hold hands I will leave at that moment no matter how late it is. I'll text Tyler and work something out. I've tried my best up until this point to hold it all inside, but I'm at my mental limit. You can probably sense that something needs to change too, I apologize for ruining everything with how weak I am, and how selfish I've made you. I love you, more than anything, I don't want to leave you. I'll always have this lock with me.

Now what do you want to do? I'll wait as long as it takes for your answer.

Second hand faith.

I never really meant to make you feel bad by saying that, although it was fairly obvious that that would have hurt you. I know you want to spend every waking moment with him, as most young couples do, and I selfishly want you all for myself. That's probably another reason I made you lock me up. I love you too much, I know you say there is no such thing as loving someone too much but I think there is. It's the point where love crosses obsession, the point where the smallest actions you do cause chaos (good or bad) inside my new heart.
I will be with you on Halloween, I told you at the very beginning that I was a self sacrificing woman, and for you I would do anything. Even though I don't want to go because I know you two will have that lovey atmosphere that crushes me so I will go and find a way to enjoy myself. I just wont look.
I'm sorry, I can't show you my true emotions in front of you. I don't want you to see me cry because that would shatter the strong image you have of me. I've forgotten how to cry in front of people also because I've never had any one to cry to. Maybe one day you'll see me cry, and if so I apologize. I have to hide my emotions to save myself from hating myself more.
More so than you're the reason of my pain you are the reason of my pride and my joy. You are my darling pupal. I'm too attached to you that you skipping school to be with him hurts me, I don't want you taken away from me. I also fear that your boyfriend will take you away from me somehow. I'm a paranoid person also, did I ever mention that?
It isn't really a blood ritual if it doesn't have meaning behind it. You only need to do one to become bound forever, anything beyond that is just Vampyric, or a lust for blood. I don't particularly mind the idea though, if you'd actually do it properly this time. I think you're more or less becoming less than human because of me.
Never the less I love you.

Yomenië - in response.

As you know I did indeed find and read the post you wrote I guess "to me" and I did leave a comment, but at that time I was a bit shocked and couldn't properly collect my thoughts to respond to your post. I also talked to you at school and on the phone about it but I'm bad with speaking, I'm a writer after all. Now that I've thought about it and my mind is a bit clearer I will respond with my heart in this post, (and this time actually send it to you.) I hope you know I've re-read that post like 5 times. xD
It surprises me that I make you feel like such a special person, to be honest with you. Of course I spout random, I suppose romantic, things to you but I never really thought they had that much of an impact. I thought that they were just words to you.
On the contrary, you have done a lot for me. Remember that email I sent you? I didn't lie when I said you taught me what love is and for the current me that is the most important thing anyone could have ever done for me. I'm not going to lie though, it is true that at times I do feel like you shut me out or down. It does hurt and it's nights like those where I feel down. On the other hand though if I could I would keep you entirely for myself and not let anyone else have you. I give you all of those necklaces to re-enforce that and to give my comfort, to see those things is like a calming drug for me. I'm trying to find a balance in my selfishness and for you to have freedom.
One other thing, I do still believe you when you tell me you love me. I guess I just say I don't as a joke, I never really thought it hurt you, but when I really think about it of course it would. I'm denying you of your true feelings. I'll change that and stop calling you a liar.
I've never had someone in reality that I needed as much as I need you so I'm trying my best, if anything I do bothers you please tell me either through our blogs or through other means.
You didn't screw anything up, we're still close as ever. You told me I seemed more distant as of late? The truth is I've been having problems within my family and myself. The family because of all the court stuff they've been arguing a lot and sometimes I get caught into it and fall into depression, internally because I've been being pressured into getting a job now more than ever because my mom needs a second income to pay the bills. I also need money for my own needs as well. It makes me so sad thinking about getting a job though to the point of tears, I don't know why really. Maybe because I'm afraid of the future, and of leaving you, and that I have to work so much harder than other to get a job because I suck at making resumes, and look punk even without all my gear and makeup.
I apologize for appearing distant I've just been sad/depressed lately. Plus there's all this stuff with Kyle as you already know.
Sometimes I regret getting you two together because I want you to be mine and mine only, but above that I want your happiness. I believe that one day you call "fall in love with me as a person" as I have for you. If you desire to change, I will guide you there with an extended hand all the way.
I look forward to the day you make me believe you without a doubt, and I apologize for being such a selfish person.
As long as you return to my embrace I will always love you, and I will always wear this chain. Although for work I'll probably put it in my pocket because it doesn't look too good for the working world now does it? xD I'll always have it with me though.

Follow the morning star.

I took some photos today. You can see the lock around my neck in one of them. It's hard taking photos with a laptop and trying to get everything you want in the picture without it being super blurry.

Tomorrow I have to semi dress up. Which means no chains, bandannas, one necklace (a normal looking one), no wrist bands, no writing on my self, no punk shirts, and no armored ring.
I also am going to be wearing a dressy shirt and my black pin striped vest. I was going to wear a tie but A) I forgot how to TIE a tie, and B) I have no tie and the person I asked if she had a tie her's has chains and saftey pins on it. xD

New name.

I'm changing my blog name to SacrificialLoveAsylum.blogspot.com if you want to continue reading my blog I think that may be some needed information. (:

Artistic freedom.

Sometimes I like to be weird in my appearance. A lot of people do yes, but if I could I would like every day. Society does not allow this though which is a very sorrowful thought.
Like a week ago I felt like putting in my lip chain again and taking a few photos. I only really liked one though (The last one). I'm probably going to take more photos soon but I'm currently sick again. My hair's also faded quite a bit, but it still looks quite snazzy if I say so myself.
It still looks dark in those pictures but like I said those are a week or so old, maybe even two!

I've also really gotten into punk music again such as The Distillers and Murderdolls.
I cannot wait to get another lip piercing and tons of ear piercings. Maybe I'll get some friends to stab my ears for me. (;

Let's get away, far enough.

Anna Tsuchiya looks good in every hair style and every clothing style, she even pulled off looking bald. I really love her and look up to her.

Bonded by blood.

I know I post a lot about pupal, so I apologize for yet another huge post about her mainly. xD
Yesterday was a long day - in a good way. Neve brought some cat ears to school and we smashed them on pupals head. It was so fucking cute I almost swooned. Also during that lunch period I brought my speaks to school so we blasted Taking the Hobbits to Isengard. xD SOOO many people stared at us cause we were like dancing to it as well haha.
Oh yes on I think it was Wednesday we skipped class (Cole, Pupal, and I) and went to the forest. First we wanted to go to the cliff overlooking the high way because it's really cool, buuuut the way there was a lot... different than I remember. How so? SPIDERS. I must have been like fearless in Grade 9 because there were so many. They were like all over us, so pupal made me take the lead. When we were like... one little bit away I almosted walked into a spider infront of my face that was like this big: |                         |
I believe you can imagine I flipped shit. xD I actually ran into pupals arms and we recoiled backwards screaming and almost crying. Cole was just like "Oh my gosh."
We found another path and actually grabbed some sticks from the ground to beat off spiders. When we FINALLY got to the cliff we sat there for awhile (took us like 20 mins to get there) and then we noticed a ton of wasps and Cole was like "They're all going towards that rock there."
I looked at this "rock" and I noticed it was not a rock so I said, "Uhm... that's a dead rat. All the wasps are going inside it." We decided to descend this cliff again. xDThere weren't as many spiders because I think I walked through them all on the way up. <__<
Anway we then went into a large clearing in the forest and found a big stick. Lately we've been fanning over Lord of the Rings so I grabbed it and atempted to do You Shall not Pass! But failed and the log stabbed my chest. I'll post the video of it, it wasn't bleeding then but it started to later.



We then found a stick pupal was holding and it had this intricate design carved into it so we automatically came to the conclusion that Elves live in that forest. xD


Back to Friday. After school we went and got Pupal's hair cut, she thought she was going to drown when Ty was washing her hair... She's special. It looks a lot better now. We also got it styled to match the cat ears. xD I picked out her hair style from my brain, apparently I'm her image consultant now.
THEN we had a sleep over at Cole's, Originally we were going to have our Lord of the Rings night but we only got through one movie. We played too many games before so. xD The entire movie we were insulting Gimli. He's just too fucking ugly oh my gosh and useless. Like seriously in every fight he would get like thrown to the ground and then just stay there while Legolas pwns noob Orks left and right.

It was through the elves that I came up with the idea that we should learn Elvish. So we were also translating words into Elvish and our names. xD We had a blast lol. I also decided with pupal that  if we ever have kids were going to convince them that they're an elf and then I'm going to buy a tree for it and it'll be its best friend.
 My name in Elvish is :
It took a really long time to write actually. xD I'm not good at drawing with paint lol.


After all this we finished up with a little ritual, and then we went to "bed" they fell asleep but I was only like half asleep... xD And then when they awoke I was still half asleep and heard everything they were saying but I had no energy to reply so I went home. o-o
They were cuddling was so cute.

I want this. Doesn't it look legit?

Stayin' alive.

New Anna Tsuchiya song came out, full. The full music video isn't out yet though believe, but I really like what she did with this song. I like it more than the original actually. xD Ilovehersofuckingmuch. ♥

GANDALF!

YOU SHALL NOT PASS.