Selfish desires have selfish ends.

Yomenië., there is a lot I need to address currently and it's been building up for awhile now, I just wasn't aware of how much it effected me. I want you to know before I begin this that I love you a lot and that is exactly why I feel this way, not because of hate. I do not hate you, and I will never hate you.

Now that the obvious is out of the way I'll begin.

The main issue is you and Cole as I said in a really bad way today after school. I've told you at least three times already that I'm emotionally unstable and seeing you two being all lovey dovey doesn't help my psyche one bit, in fact it makes me more unstable. Haven't you noticed my mental state deteriorate over the past few weeks? I guess not. I actually fear this is all my fault also, after all I'm the one that got you two together, and I'm the one influencing you. As of late you've become really selfish, as selfish as me. You want me and Cole at the same time and you want to be a couple with him. You claim that you need me more than Cole but your actions prove the opposite. In fact, to me it looks like you don't need me at all. All you need me for is some blood donor and then someone to fix you up. You need Cole for everything else. You never hang out with me alone, or even make plans with me unless it involves him. All you talk about is him and how “perfect he is” or how you made out last night. I want you to know that REALLY hurts me, more than anything really. I feel like I've been lied to constantly. Even today when I said my problem, instead of getting an explanation you walked away from me to be with him. I stood there for a really long time walking towards the second bus stop and then stopping and walking after you. I knew I should have ran after you grabbed you and explained myself, that was the right thing to do... but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My pride got in the way and forced me to believe you need him more than me. My mom agrees with that statement also. I walked towards the bus stop and almost cried. Had I just ruined everything? That's why I decided that when I got home I would call Cole's house. You didn't sound hurt though, reinforcing the idea in my head that I've become obsolete now.

Last night I had a mental break down actually, which was why I was freaking out today. I couldn't handle it. Everything I care about is being taken away from me by that stupid emotion called “love” what I've been shown by this is that when people get lovers their friends become second priority. I hate it, a lot. It's not just you this has happened to me with. Bryanne has someone, Neve has someone, Tyler has someone. Everyone does, and then there's me. Left alone to hear everyone talking about how much they love their partners. It's selfish of me to say but I'm so jealous, I've been alone for 2 years with no one to love me there's only those who lust after my body.

You'll probably say “BUT YOU HAVE KYLE!” Which is true, I do and I care about him, but the difference is a lot. I can't love him, can't hold him, can't have him comfort me and fix my jealousy for couples because I'd finally BE a couple. Even if he was here I wouldn't do what you're doing right now, putting your friends second.

|Which comes to another point. Cole and you only like to skip, make out, bake, and be idiots. That's not very wise for a 14 year old is it? It's illegal for him to make out with you I'll have you know. It'd be so easy for you two to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and for him to get charged. The penalty is that he'd either get locked away in juvy until he's 19 or get tried as an adult and go to jail. Cole wouldn't be able to survive there, and you know that. I don't mean to scare you but I am a realist. Because you two are being such idiots and wont listen to a shred of logic I'm giving up more or less. I still love you more than anyone but I wont house you next time you get kicked out for being an idiot, I'd like to but my mother wouldn't do it. Why would we defend anyone who wont listen to logic in the first place? You've brought it on your selves. If Cole gets charged I wont stick up for him, because it's true. He's my child hood friend but that doesn't mean I support idiocy.

If you two want to continue being all lovey that's all fine and dandy, I don't give a shit. I just wont hang out with you two together. If that means I never get to hang out with either of you so be it, I do have other friends. It hurts a fucking lot for me to have to do that, but if you'd rather be with your lover than me I'm fine with that. I can't take it any more, I'm not that strong anymore.

You're probably wondering about Halloween now, I did promise you that I'd hang out with you and so I will, but if you so much as cuddle or hold hands I will leave at that moment no matter how late it is. I'll text Tyler and work something out. I've tried my best up until this point to hold it all inside, but I'm at my mental limit. You can probably sense that something needs to change too, I apologize for ruining everything with how weak I am, and how selfish I've made you. I love you, more than anything, I don't want to leave you. I'll always have this lock with me.

Now what do you want to do? I'll wait as long as it takes for your answer.

LIFE.

Recently I watched the jdrama LIFE and then read what I could find of the manga (Which I personally liked a lot more than the drama for personal reasons which may or may not be shared.) I loved them both a lot though as they're realistic and deal with things a lot of people, myself included, deal with in school.

Basically LIFE is about a girl, Shiiba Ayumu, who loses her best friend because of an High School enterance exam. She makes friends with the top girl Anzai Manami and her clique of people. The drama and manga differ a lot so I'll explain them both I suppose. Anzai's boyfriend breaks up with her and she attempts to kill herself to which Ayumu saves her and eventually is acused of stealing Anzais boyfriend kicking her out of their clique. But it doesn't stop there. Ayumu also wouldn't ignore Hatori Miki (favvv character for so many reasons)

One being she's beautiful and a rebel and does 'dangerous' jobs. x3

which made the girls even more angry and Ayumu begins  to be bullied so badly that she goes to kill herself. (Manga through cutting drama through walking infront of a train) Hatori saves her and shows her real friendship.

 Eventually the two of them are caught up in a spiral of infortunate events that are really crazy and help eachother through it with a boy by the name of Sonoda Yuki. Mana tries to get them all killed through her thug boyfriend and such.
This drama, more so the manga though, spoke to me because I was bullied throughout most of my schooling life until Grade 10 and I self harmed like Ayumu to deal with it. Unlike Ayumu though I had to deal with it alone, I didn't have a Hatori to help me and save me from myself and show me how great life really is until Grade 9. Also Ayumus bullying was worse than mine, sure I was shoved around and people called me names like "monster" and "freak" and such and I was always made fun of for self harming, but my desk was never thrown out the window and I wasn't almost killed- at school anyway. Although, now I'm more of a Hatori than an Ayumu. I save people being bullied on and try to show them kindness, even if my kindness can be a little harsh like Hatori's >__< I do try and a lot of people accept me for it.
I really recommend this drama to anyone though it's hard to find because the name is one common word but I found it and watched it on youtube by searching up LIFE jdrama.

I think I'm going to stop avoiding blogging about depressing stuff and just blog about whatever I feel like, o-o Most of which would be rather silly and happy though. xD

Snow, please leave.

It snowed on Friday night here, and everyone seemed to go crazy about it, except for me. I personally don't like snow because I happen to be a huge clutz! I always slip and fall, or get nailed in the face by flying snow, or the wind pushes me into walls. I'm more of a fan of warm-ish weather.
Although, what comes with winter is new cold-weather gear! I was able to get some boots, a scarf, a jacket, and some skinny jeans. I still have $10 dollars left-over too. Shopping is always fun, even when alone. (None of my friends could go with me. Not really that surprising.)
Even though I got all this new gear, on Monday it didn't make that mush of a difference. After school I was waiting for the bus like normal although 2 didn't bother showing up, then a short one showed up and it filled up fast, then a 1 floor bus showed up which also filled up fast, and then finally after that a normal double Decker bus arrived and we gladly embraced the warmth that was inside. I really hope that doesn't happen after school today.
On the bright side my friend Moe reminded me of the greatness that is YUI. why did I ever stop listening to her?! O_O

I love this picture LAWL

She's amazing. I also wanna watch that movie she stars in, considering I love JDrama.

Other than that all I've really done is dissect a pig fetus... which isn't that appealing when you're trying to eat lunch.