Tattoo land.

I love tattoos and piercings, I'm sure some of my readers already knew I loved getting stabbed by needles. (by the fact I said I wanted like 7 more ear piecing's and another lip) but I love tattoos also. I don't have one yet, but I do have a plan.
Before I talk about my own tatts I want I'd like to say Yuki got a tattoo on Sunday. He got the kanji for Yuki in Japanese meaning snow, and it looks really good. I really like it, although watching him getting stabbed by a needle half naked (top half obvious LOL) was pretty awkward considering it was like an hour and a half, and I had nothing to do other than watch. Which gets really boring after like 15 minutes I found.
Anyway, there are two tattoos I'm getting when I turn 18 next year. One that Yuki is paying for which will be on the left side of my chest. It'll be the kanji for Yomi in Japanese which means Underworld. Now, I don't want it for the dark meaning exactly, but for the meaning I've attached to it which are a few so here's the run down on the tat. When I got hit by a car I transformed into a new person who let go of her past, and it was around that time when I watched Ga-rei: Zero and felt attached to the main character Yomi Isayama. She was strong despite having everything taken away from her, even her humanity, and wanted to protect the person she cared about most even disposing of herself to do so. I'm the same as Yomi in every aspect. It was also around that time where I gained the nickname "Yomi" and then I found out it meant Underworld. For me Yomi symbolizes my change in self and the fact that I'm able to embrace the darkness that still lingers in my soul. It also reminds me of my friends because they call me that, and embodies that through darkness we can not have light because in Shinto the Tree of Eternal Life is located in Yomi.
黄泉 
That would be the tat cept obviously bigger.


The second tattoo I'm getting is, of course, the tri-force from Zelda on my upper arm. I like how it stands for Courage, Wisdom and Power. I'm also getting it with my mother, and all my friends plan to get it too also. :) I was thinking of this design:

I also want, but wont be getting when I turn 18, a star or multiple stars behind my ear. To symbolize my desire to reach for the stars and not be left as a nobody or a failure, to become a somebody.
|Something like this is pretty:

Y

Although when I get my tri-force tattoo I wont be able to shave my arm for awhile 0-0. Yes I shave my arms, along with pretty much everything else.
I also figured out what I want as a career when I'm out of school, but I'll leave that for another  post. ;3


Thank you for reading, and remember you are always beautiful.

Future cosmos.

It's funny, it seems that most of my posts on my blogs seem to be based on the future yet I always say to live in now. Self reflecting is important, I really do believe that. Although, I seem to over analyze myself quite often and hone in on the negative. It's easy to give out advice, live by it for a few mere days, and then completely ignore it.
Anyways, this is another rant about the future more or less for myself, so bare with me for a few minutes, nee? ^__^"
I've said it a few times I'm sure, but I want to be a video editor- I think. I was looking into it and it seemed like something I could do. You sit in an office with a couple people and piece things together in the way they will it, you do this for 12 hours at a time and sometimes because you want to meet your deadline you may have to work 60 hour weeks. Thinking about it, being a video editor can kind of be compared to being a God, can it not? You're piecing together someone elses story to your own will and seeing it unfold before your eyes, taking out pieces and throwing in new events. I bet a lot of people would think of me as being shallow comparing myself to a God, and yes I am shallow. I do not compare myself with a God though, only video editing. I'm just a spec on this lonely planet looking outwards.
Anyway my weak desire to be a video editor kind of conflicts with my other dream, to be famous. It's really vain I know, but I've dreampt of this ever since I started being noticed for being pretty or beautiful. I always kind of thought, "Maybe I could be a model." Or, "Maybe I could get into music." Although, now I realize that both of those dreams are beyond my reality, I'm not tall enough to be a North American model and I'm not that great at singing. I also want to inspire others, so that was another reason I wanted to be famous. To get my story out and to let people who are like me, or are like the old me, that life does get better if you don't let it get to you.
This blog is a way to transmit those feelings, too. You're all reading my journey through life and my hardships. You all know by now that I suffer from depression, untreated, and try keep a beautiful outlook on the world despite these hardships I go through. I think, truthfully, that most of my hardships are brought on by myself. I always think I'm worthless and a failure and bring myself down a lot, and then build myself up.
I wanted to be strong, so as a kid I built up my physical strength, I don't have that now though, to make up for me emotional and mental weakness. Strength comes from within and I'm lacking a lot of it, I'm very weak despite my calm and strong outer shell. Beyond it I'm still scared and have an anxiety attack when my family fights. I think I'll be left all alone again without anyone to hold me, I think that mother will leave me and my brother will team up with my nonstepfather and destroy me. I still have childish fears of that man although he hasn't lived with us for 4 or 5 years now. His voice still makes me angry, at him and myself, myself for not being able to stand up for everyone and him for making me this mess I am now. It's not good to hold onto these feelings, I don't want them, I want to rid myself of them and rid myself of this self-hate.
Although it's that mans fault for making me fear men, have a deep fear of being alone, making me think I'm a failure, and depriving me of things that a child needs like love, security, compassion, peace, faith, and pride as a woman. These scars from the past, these simple fears, probably wont heal. I've gotten over what actually happened to me and my family, I don't walk around brooding over the past I look at the present and the future. These fears are psychologically rooted to me. I don't care that I didn't have a great childhood, and I know I'm not a failure because people are proud of this person I am today and have high exspectations for the future me.
I've learned all the things I missed in these last 5 years of my life. I really like to think of them as the first years of my life. When you live in fear you really aren't living, you're frozen.
Right now is what I live in, and right now, despite all mt hardships with graduating and the family problems that still go on without me involved, I'm okay.
I don't self harm, and so I'm okay. As I type this I know I am okay, and that one day all of this, the me of today, will change. I'll be able to fly, it may not be one day soon, but I'm sure that one day my shakels will be cut off.
I have friends who I care about, and care about me. Even though our main group, Sera, Cole, Jenny, and Tyler will fade away and soon it'll just be me and Tyler living together I still care about them and will visit them for sure. It's thanks to them that I'm still alive.
My story isn't unique, it isn't special and some people have had it a lot worse than I did and do, but we no longer walk alone.

... I got really off topic! Oh dear me, anyway as for my future career I'm still unclear. Video editing is hard but can be rewarding, but I really want to be famous. I actually still want to be a model but I'm still short. Only 170 CM or so, oh well.

Anyway I just wanted to share that rant I got carried away, and I will post this even though it's really deep and personal but I have nothing to hide. I was frozen in place when I got hit by a car so I could heal these past wounds about my ex-girlfriend and my abusive past. I've done that, and now I want to move on the my Senior year of High School. You know what? I'm going to model in my Grad Fashion Show, and I'm going to feel damn good being that sexy edgy girl on the runway.

I want you all to know, you're never alone, and I love you. :)

Look on the bright side.

The future scares me. I'm going to flat out say it, it terrifies me. Although, I'm trying to get over that.

"There is no past, present, or future. Life is only a series on Nows." - Blake Bliss.

I watched a video and heard him say that, and I thought and thought and thought about it. Guess what I discovered, he's right. Why bother thinking about what's happening at other time's when there's NOW to think about. I'm so busy fretting over Graduation that I'm losing track of who I am right now and who my relevent self is. Life is this finite thing that I was trying to break past, but I guess I'm okay with it now. Well- not exactly okay with it but I'm willing to accept the boundaries that I have.

Blake Bliss actually has inspired me a lot as of late and he truly is a beautiful man. He isn't that popular of a youtuber yet, but I think he could be. He helps people and encourages people. He also makes really beautiful music too. He's helped me stir myself back on the right path.

Instead of sitting here in a state of depression wasting my life away I think I'll go outside and admire the little things, the way the sun dances across the grass. The way the ocean twinkles on a sunny day and looks animated on a cloudy day. 

So instead of thinking of how life is the fragile finite thing, why not embrace the gift we were given to speak?

Think of who you are right now, this moment, as you're reading this, because no one will remember who you were two weeks ago and this post will even become completely relevant and forgotten. It matters now though. Don't concentrate on who you were back then, or who you want to be in 10 years, think of who you want to be right now and live in now. 

Actually I was going to use this post to say when I move out in a year I'll be making a lot of vlogs with Yuki... but it turned into a spew of random thoughts. ^ o ^ 

It was a beautiful day today. :3

New favorite word = Finite. :3 

Oh yeah, look up Blake Bliss on youtube. You wont regret it I promise. <3

~Love you.