Feelings.

It's a fucked up feeling inside where you break up with someone and think you'll continue to be friends, but you talk less and less until you're only saying a few sentences to each other per week. It's even more fucked up when you confront her about it and she hates you because you're a tad immature. Even when you've discarded all the feelings you have for her, it still stings a little bit.
Not because you like her still but because you know at this point the friendship can't really continue. I've recognized that I do have a tendency to be immature at times, but I think that's a cooping mechanism to all the shit I have to go through.
I hope that the next person I like, or god forbid love, won't discard me. It wont be an online relationship that's for sure. This time I'll get to hold her close in my arms and we can be cute and stuff.

The only thing I can do for now is move on, and that I will do very fast.

Kiss my gentle burning bruise.

It's been a hard week again, but don't worry as I have no intention of backing down quite yet.
Lately I've really been into the punk fashion again, it always interests me and inspires me to work on my own fashion.
I also think it's fairly obvious by this point that I'm more into girls again. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some hot body modded guy, but for some reason girls have been drawing me in more so.
It's also become slightly evident that I desire to live a more risky life style and want to take up smoking. That wont be possible for quite some time though so I'm trying to quell me desires for now.

Another thing is, that I screwed everything up with pupal again. Well, maybe, I'm unsure. I made it clear that I cannot continue to live a life where I never think about my own life, where I'm always chasing after her and her boyfriend to be mature. I've given that all up now to be my own woman again, and with that she's now ignoring me. Yet, at the same time, she wont let go of me.
I think it's wrong that I miss her? I mean, she was the only one after 3 years that would fight for me tooth and nail even if she never really showed it. I loved her, I fell in love with her. It wasn't a good move because falling in love with her meant being heart broken when she got her boyfriend. I always said she wasn't my type, but was that true? I'm not sure. I genuinely loved her as I loved Kierra. I made the same mistakes and tried to stop myself but in the process I only hurt her. That and she was starting to annoy me because of her immaturity.
Maybe this is for the better, I sure hope so.

I'm a failure.

I apologize, a thousand times over I apologize. I'll never be able to convey my sorrow for this, never. Like you right now I am crying my eyes out, I feel horrible. I am horrible, I've known it from my birth that I'm horrible.
I don't want you to break up, or maybe I do. I want your happiness. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let you be happy, just slowly... separated myself from you two on my own accord. Running away suddenly in the rain was a bad idea probably. I can't think straight anymore.
Don't break up. I don't want to... have you and Cole hate me for being selfish.
Couples shouldn't restrict their love for selfish sensitive bastards like me. I realized while reading your reply, and by writing this... I'm the one who's pushed everyone away. Not the other way around. I'm the one who has failed, not anyone else. My own emotions have destroyed me, and I'm trapped. Even though you told me I've grown... I haven't. I'm still that weak little child cowering in the corner of her room begging for the pain to go away. Except this time it isn't a man destroying me, it's me destroying myself. I'm the adult here, I should think of the choice. I let a 14 year old dictate my life for me.
I've only grown to hate myself more for hurting you.
I promised you the world, gave it to you, and destroyed it. I really am an evil being like everyone says.
You will always have me whether it be physically or not.
My inability to live around love has destroyed me, truthfully a lot of people told me I was being stupid but I didn't listen. I wish I did now because it would have saved me from the pain I feel now. I don't want to live now, but I will continue to live - for no reason.
On the other hand you live for me, but all we do is talk on Twitter, and hang out with Cole. I don't feel special really. I did in the beginning but I've grown cold. I'm really fucked up huh? You deserve better than me don't you?
Please continue to be in love with Cole. I'll seclude myself in my corner. I'll talk to you on Twitter... that's what someone like me should do, right? That way you can be happy right? You can be in love with him and you still get to talk to me right? I just have to give some things up...
Don't ruin your life for me.
Next year will be great for you, you wont have to worry about satisfying me anymore or hiding from me anymore because I wont be around. Actually, don't worry about hiding from me. At school I wont be anywhere you will find me.
If you want, on Halloween I wont go out with you and Cole. I don't know how to fix this anymore, I thought I had all the answers, but I just brought up more questions. I'm too possessive, I'm too much. I want to change but I don't know how. I want to stop letting these emotions ruling me. I'll try my hardest I promise.
If we go with the option of me avoiding you I promise to send you a long letter like this every day detailing my day, and anything I would have told you in real life. I sound like a distant lover now. I'm hopeless.
One day in the future I hope to become the woman you thought I was, the strong independent one that you looked up to. Not this weak failure who clings onto you. Will you wait for that day? Will you still be around my side for that day? I don't want you to be suicidal, and if you two broke up that would have just ended all the work I made into making you happy. I really fucked everything up today. I don't know if things will ever be the same because I'm the type to run away.

---

I've slept now, and stopped my tears. My brain is a bit clearer despite just waking up from 10 hours of glorious sleep too deep to dream of the pain. Through that suffering night of blood mixed with tears, I realized one thing: The fear of losing you is more great than my fear of solitude. Well I suppose they tie in because if I lost you I'd be alone again... but you see my point I suppose.
Waking up I realized that I have a burning desire to fix this falling out. Note that it is mostly my fault, and not your own. You may think it's your fault more so than my own but that is not true. All you've done is fall in love and become obsessed with your boyfriend. All teenage girls, extracting myself, (I don't fall in love anymore) do this. My previous solution to just simply leave you alone at school probably isn't the best of ideas but in a situation such as this there isn't a whole lot to do.
The best fix for this is for me to get cured of this strong hatred towards the one thing that killed me. I have no idea on how to cure it though so please bare with me on this my darling. I talk like a romantic but in truth on the inside everything is all jumbled up and I feel like it's all turned black. I did say you re-awakened my emotions which you did but I don't know how to deal with them in a healthy way. So I suppose I've just been hurt by them. I want more than anything to be cured of this, so can you help me with that? At the moment I just feel very trapped. If I continue my hatred like this I really will push you away from me completely. Which terrifies me more than anything in the world, or in the underworld.

Selfish desires have selfish ends.

Yomenië., there is a lot I need to address currently and it's been building up for awhile now, I just wasn't aware of how much it effected me. I want you to know before I begin this that I love you a lot and that is exactly why I feel this way, not because of hate. I do not hate you, and I will never hate you.

Now that the obvious is out of the way I'll begin.

The main issue is you and Cole as I said in a really bad way today after school. I've told you at least three times already that I'm emotionally unstable and seeing you two being all lovey dovey doesn't help my psyche one bit, in fact it makes me more unstable. Haven't you noticed my mental state deteriorate over the past few weeks? I guess not. I actually fear this is all my fault also, after all I'm the one that got you two together, and I'm the one influencing you. As of late you've become really selfish, as selfish as me. You want me and Cole at the same time and you want to be a couple with him. You claim that you need me more than Cole but your actions prove the opposite. In fact, to me it looks like you don't need me at all. All you need me for is some blood donor and then someone to fix you up. You need Cole for everything else. You never hang out with me alone, or even make plans with me unless it involves him. All you talk about is him and how “perfect he is” or how you made out last night. I want you to know that REALLY hurts me, more than anything really. I feel like I've been lied to constantly. Even today when I said my problem, instead of getting an explanation you walked away from me to be with him. I stood there for a really long time walking towards the second bus stop and then stopping and walking after you. I knew I should have ran after you grabbed you and explained myself, that was the right thing to do... but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My pride got in the way and forced me to believe you need him more than me. My mom agrees with that statement also. I walked towards the bus stop and almost cried. Had I just ruined everything? That's why I decided that when I got home I would call Cole's house. You didn't sound hurt though, reinforcing the idea in my head that I've become obsolete now.

Last night I had a mental break down actually, which was why I was freaking out today. I couldn't handle it. Everything I care about is being taken away from me by that stupid emotion called “love” what I've been shown by this is that when people get lovers their friends become second priority. I hate it, a lot. It's not just you this has happened to me with. Bryanne has someone, Neve has someone, Tyler has someone. Everyone does, and then there's me. Left alone to hear everyone talking about how much they love their partners. It's selfish of me to say but I'm so jealous, I've been alone for 2 years with no one to love me there's only those who lust after my body.

You'll probably say “BUT YOU HAVE KYLE!” Which is true, I do and I care about him, but the difference is a lot. I can't love him, can't hold him, can't have him comfort me and fix my jealousy for couples because I'd finally BE a couple. Even if he was here I wouldn't do what you're doing right now, putting your friends second.

|Which comes to another point. Cole and you only like to skip, make out, bake, and be idiots. That's not very wise for a 14 year old is it? It's illegal for him to make out with you I'll have you know. It'd be so easy for you two to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and for him to get charged. The penalty is that he'd either get locked away in juvy until he's 19 or get tried as an adult and go to jail. Cole wouldn't be able to survive there, and you know that. I don't mean to scare you but I am a realist. Because you two are being such idiots and wont listen to a shred of logic I'm giving up more or less. I still love you more than anyone but I wont house you next time you get kicked out for being an idiot, I'd like to but my mother wouldn't do it. Why would we defend anyone who wont listen to logic in the first place? You've brought it on your selves. If Cole gets charged I wont stick up for him, because it's true. He's my child hood friend but that doesn't mean I support idiocy.

If you two want to continue being all lovey that's all fine and dandy, I don't give a shit. I just wont hang out with you two together. If that means I never get to hang out with either of you so be it, I do have other friends. It hurts a fucking lot for me to have to do that, but if you'd rather be with your lover than me I'm fine with that. I can't take it any more, I'm not that strong anymore.

You're probably wondering about Halloween now, I did promise you that I'd hang out with you and so I will, but if you so much as cuddle or hold hands I will leave at that moment no matter how late it is. I'll text Tyler and work something out. I've tried my best up until this point to hold it all inside, but I'm at my mental limit. You can probably sense that something needs to change too, I apologize for ruining everything with how weak I am, and how selfish I've made you. I love you, more than anything, I don't want to leave you. I'll always have this lock with me.

Now what do you want to do? I'll wait as long as it takes for your answer.