Yomenië., there is a lot I need to address currently and it's been building up for awhile now, I just wasn't aware of how much it effected me. I want you to know before I begin this that I love you a lot and that is exactly why I feel this way, not because of hate. I do not hate you, and I will never hate you.
Now that the obvious is out of the way I'll begin.
The main issue is you and Cole as I said in a really bad way today after school. I've told you at least three times already that I'm emotionally unstable and seeing you two being all lovey dovey doesn't help my psyche one bit, in fact it makes me more unstable. Haven't you noticed my mental state deteriorate over the past few weeks? I guess not. I actually fear this is all my fault also, after all I'm the one that got you two together, and I'm the one influencing you. As of late you've become really selfish, as selfish as me. You want me and Cole at the same time and you want to be a couple with him. You claim that you need me more than Cole but your actions prove the opposite. In fact, to me it looks like you don't need me at all. All you need me for is some blood donor and then someone to fix you up. You need Cole for everything else. You never hang out with me alone, or even make plans with me unless it involves him. All you talk about is him and how “perfect he is” or how you made out last night. I want you to know that REALLY hurts me, more than anything really. I feel like I've been lied to constantly. Even today when I said my problem, instead of getting an explanation you walked away from me to be with him. I stood there for a really long time walking towards the second bus stop and then stopping and walking after you. I knew I should have ran after you grabbed you and explained myself, that was the right thing to do... but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My pride got in the way and forced me to believe you need him more than me. My mom agrees with that statement also. I walked towards the bus stop and almost cried. Had I just ruined everything? That's why I decided that when I got home I would call Cole's house. You didn't sound hurt though, reinforcing the idea in my head that I've become obsolete now.
Last night I had a mental break down actually, which was why I was freaking out today. I couldn't handle it. Everything I care about is being taken away from me by that stupid emotion called “love” what I've been shown by this is that when people get lovers their friends become second priority. I hate it, a lot. It's not just you this has happened to me with. Bryanne has someone, Neve has someone, Tyler has someone. Everyone does, and then there's me. Left alone to hear everyone talking about how much they love their partners. It's selfish of me to say but I'm so jealous, I've been alone for 2 years with no one to love me there's only those who lust after my body.
You'll probably say “BUT YOU HAVE KYLE!” Which is true, I do and I care about him, but the difference is a lot. I can't love him, can't hold him, can't have him comfort me and fix my jealousy for couples because I'd finally BE a couple. Even if he was here I wouldn't do what you're doing right now, putting your friends second.
|Which comes to another point. Cole and you only like to skip, make out, bake, and be idiots. That's not very wise for a 14 year old is it? It's illegal for him to make out with you I'll have you know. It'd be so easy for you two to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and for him to get charged. The penalty is that he'd either get locked away in juvy until he's 19 or get tried as an adult and go to jail. Cole wouldn't be able to survive there, and you know that. I don't mean to scare you but I am a realist. Because you two are being such idiots and wont listen to a shred of logic I'm giving up more or less. I still love you more than anyone but I wont house you next time you get kicked out for being an idiot, I'd like to but my mother wouldn't do it. Why would we defend anyone who wont listen to logic in the first place? You've brought it on your selves. If Cole gets charged I wont stick up for him, because it's true. He's my child hood friend but that doesn't mean I support idiocy.
If you two want to continue being all lovey that's all fine and dandy, I don't give a shit. I just wont hang out with you two together. If that means I never get to hang out with either of you so be it, I do have other friends. It hurts a fucking lot for me to have to do that, but if you'd rather be with your lover than me I'm fine with that. I can't take it any more, I'm not that strong anymore.
You're probably wondering about Halloween now, I did promise you that I'd hang out with you and so I will, but if you so much as cuddle or hold hands I will leave at that moment no matter how late it is. I'll text Tyler and work something out. I've tried my best up until this point to hold it all inside, but I'm at my mental limit. You can probably sense that something needs to change too, I apologize for ruining everything with how weak I am, and how selfish I've made you. I love you, more than anything, I don't want to leave you. I'll always have this lock with me.
Now what do you want to do? I'll wait as long as it takes for your answer.
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