Anyways, this is another rant about the future more or less for myself, so bare with me for a few minutes, nee? ^__^"
I've said it a few times I'm sure, but I want to be a video editor- I think. I was looking into it and it seemed like something I could do. You sit in an office with a couple people and piece things together in the way they will it, you do this for 12 hours at a time and sometimes because you want to meet your deadline you may have to work 60 hour weeks. Thinking about it, being a video editor can kind of be compared to being a God, can it not? You're piecing together someone elses story to your own will and seeing it unfold before your eyes, taking out pieces and throwing in new events. I bet a lot of people would think of me as being shallow comparing myself to a God, and yes I am shallow. I do not compare myself with a God though, only video editing. I'm just a spec on this lonely planet looking outwards.
Anyway my weak desire to be a video editor kind of conflicts with my other dream, to be famous. It's really vain I know, but I've dreampt of this ever since I started being noticed for being pretty or beautiful. I always kind of thought, "Maybe I could be a model." Or, "Maybe I could get into music." Although, now I realize that both of those dreams are beyond my reality, I'm not tall enough to be a North American model and I'm not that great at singing. I also want to inspire others, so that was another reason I wanted to be famous. To get my story out and to let people who are like me, or are like the old me, that life does get better if you don't let it get to you.
This blog is a way to transmit those feelings, too. You're all reading my journey through life and my hardships. You all know by now that I suffer from depression, untreated, and try keep a beautiful outlook on the world despite these hardships I go through. I think, truthfully, that most of my hardships are brought on by myself. I always think I'm worthless and a failure and bring myself down a lot, and then build myself up.
I wanted to be strong, so as a kid I built up my physical strength, I don't have that now though, to make up for me emotional and mental weakness. Strength comes from within and I'm lacking a lot of it, I'm very weak despite my calm and strong outer shell. Beyond it I'm still scared and have an anxiety attack when my family fights. I think I'll be left all alone again without anyone to hold me, I think that mother will leave me and my brother will team up with my nonstepfather and destroy me. I still have childish fears of that man although he hasn't lived with us for 4 or 5 years now. His voice still makes me angry, at him and myself, myself for not being able to stand up for everyone and him for making me this mess I am now. It's not good to hold onto these feelings, I don't want them, I want to rid myself of them and rid myself of this self-hate.
Although it's that mans fault for making me fear men, have a deep fear of being alone, making me think I'm a failure, and depriving me of things that a child needs like love, security, compassion, peace, faith, and pride as a woman. These scars from the past, these simple fears, probably wont heal. I've gotten over what actually happened to me and my family, I don't walk around brooding over the past I look at the present and the future. These fears are psychologically rooted to me. I don't care that I didn't have a great childhood, and I know I'm not a failure because people are proud of this person I am today and have high exspectations for the future me.
I've learned all the things I missed in these last 5 years of my life. I really like to think of them as the first years of my life. When you live in fear you really aren't living, you're frozen.
Right now is what I live in, and right now, despite all mt hardships with graduating and the family problems that still go on without me involved, I'm okay.
I don't self harm, and so I'm okay. As I type this I know I am okay, and that one day all of this, the me of today, will change. I'll be able to fly, it may not be one day soon, but I'm sure that one day my shakels will be cut off.
I have friends who I care about, and care about me. Even though our main group, Sera, Cole, Jenny, and Tyler will fade away and soon it'll just be me and Tyler living together I still care about them and will visit them for sure. It's thanks to them that I'm still alive.
My story isn't unique, it isn't special and some people have had it a lot worse than I did and do, but we no longer walk alone.
... I got really off topic! Oh dear me, anyway as for my future career I'm still unclear. Video editing is hard but can be rewarding, but I really want to be famous. I actually still want to be a model but I'm still short. Only 170 CM or so, oh well.
Anyway I just wanted to share that rant I got carried away, and I will post this even though it's really deep and personal but I have nothing to hide. I was frozen in place when I got hit by a car so I could heal these past wounds about my ex-girlfriend and my abusive past. I've done that, and now I want to move on the my Senior year of High School. You know what? I'm going to model in my Grad Fashion Show, and I'm going to feel damn good being that sexy edgy girl on the runway.
I want you all to know, you're never alone, and I love you. :)
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