I was looking back on my life and was thinking, why does it all seem so far away? Like it didn't actually happen to me but I KNOW it did. It feels as if my memories are false and I'm just living according to what I've been told has happened.
Lets take the day I got hit by a car as an example, the one day that changed my entire life and the thing that caused me to be reborn more or less. It doesn't feel real anymore, and I feel that to be a very bad thing. That day didn't just effect me and just now I'm realizing that. It hurt so many more people other than myself and my family. My friends, I hurt them. The most scarring thing that happened to my one thing was the phone call from us that I had gotten hit, and of course that would scar her. I'd probably be scarred if I got such a phone call too.
And then there's my friend who SAW me actually get hit, roll on the hood of the car, bounce off the windshield and eventually skid across the road into the river of run off. She's now an alcoholic and a sex addict. Do I blame myself? Fuck yes I do! People tell me not to, but honestly? If you look back at it, look closely, you can route it to that day. After that day I wasn't at school anymore for 3 weeks, and when I came back she was hanging around the druggies and picking up guys like crazy. It's my fault shes probably not graduating, it's my fault she's so fucked up now. We're not even friends anymore and we used to be best friends, we even dated.
Even so none of these events feel real to me anymore. It feels like I'm lost in purgatory and have no motivation to do anything anymore. The proof of this is I'm writing a blog post instead of actually doing anything about it. I still have a lot to do for the case, I have to fill out a Victims Impact Statement and settle for the money, but because it's been two years it wont be effective.
In all honesty even though all of this shit has happened I haven't really done anything. I'm jobless, still think about self harm, probably gonna start smoking. When I move out I'm most likely going to start drinking again. Yet I know life wont fall into my hands and I want to do something I don't have the willpower to actually do it, and then I see everyone around me making something of themselves and I get upset. I don't have a right to be upset because I've done nothing. It's a weird vicious cycle you get stuck in. I realize part of it is probably due to teenage hormones and the fact that I don't get enough dopamine from the sun and such.
I wish I could apologize for getting hit by a car, but that would sound stupid so I wont and in part I'm still glad it happened.
I actually have no idea what I'm talking about anymore so I'm going to stop, I'm actually breaking my own heart by thinking about how I fucked up their lives.
