Feelings.

It's a fucked up feeling inside where you break up with someone and think you'll continue to be friends, but you talk less and less until you're only saying a few sentences to each other per week. It's even more fucked up when you confront her about it and she hates you because you're a tad immature. Even when you've discarded all the feelings you have for her, it still stings a little bit.
Not because you like her still but because you know at this point the friendship can't really continue. I've recognized that I do have a tendency to be immature at times, but I think that's a cooping mechanism to all the shit I have to go through.
I hope that the next person I like, or god forbid love, won't discard me. It wont be an online relationship that's for sure. This time I'll get to hold her close in my arms and we can be cute and stuff.

The only thing I can do for now is move on, and that I will do very fast.

Just some new pictures of me. c: I got a hair cut so some of them my hairs long and the other ones it's short, the short haired ones were all taken today. c: Got a new camera for Christmas so yeah.
Also if you want to actually see what I'm doing I update my tumblr way more than this.
sacrificialloveasylum.tumblr.com

I can't begin to explain.

I was looking back on my life and was thinking, why does it all seem so far away? Like it didn't actually happen to me but I KNOW it did. It feels as if my memories are false and I'm just living according to what I've been told has happened.
Lets take the day I got hit by a car as an example, the one day that changed my entire life and the thing that caused me to be reborn more or less. It doesn't feel real anymore, and I feel that to be a very bad thing. That day didn't just effect me and just now I'm realizing that. It hurt so many more people other than myself and my family. My friends, I hurt them. The most scarring thing that happened to my one thing was the phone call from us that I had gotten hit, and of course that would scar her. I'd probably be scarred if I got such a phone call too.
And then there's my friend who SAW me actually get hit, roll on the hood of the car, bounce off the windshield and eventually skid across the road into the river of run off. She's now an alcoholic and a sex addict. Do I blame myself? Fuck yes I do! People tell me not to, but honestly? If you look back at it, look closely, you can route it to that day. After that day I wasn't at school anymore for 3 weeks, and when I came back she was hanging around the druggies and picking up guys like crazy. It's my fault shes probably not graduating, it's my fault she's so fucked up now. We're not even friends anymore and we used to be best friends, we even dated.
Even so none of these events feel real to me anymore. It feels like I'm lost in purgatory and have no motivation to do anything anymore. The proof of this is I'm writing a blog post instead of actually doing anything about it. I still have a lot to do for the case, I have to fill out a Victims Impact Statement and settle for the money, but because it's been two years it wont be effective.
In all honesty even though all of this shit has happened I haven't really done anything. I'm jobless, still think about self harm, probably gonna start smoking. When I move out I'm most likely going to start drinking again. Yet I know life wont fall into my hands and I want to do something I don't have the willpower to actually do it, and then I see everyone around me making something of themselves and I get upset. I don't have a right to be upset because I've done nothing. It's a weird vicious cycle you get stuck in. I realize part of it is probably due to teenage hormones and the fact that I don't get enough dopamine from the sun and such.
I wish I could apologize for getting hit by a car, but that would sound stupid so I wont and in part I'm still glad it happened.
I actually have no idea what I'm talking about anymore so I'm going to stop, I'm actually breaking my own heart by thinking about how I fucked up their lives.

Wait, they don't love you like I love you.

It's been awhile hasn't it? This week has been pretty hectic. Thus why there's so many pictures of me for once. Pretty much last Friday I went to my friend Ty's house and we had a nerd night, meaning we downloaded a game and played it right beside each other for hours and ate. We also looked for work but you see that didn't work out too well.
Then the following Thursday was semi formal! I went in a suit (because I don't own a dress and I don't really feel like dancing and head banging in a dress in any case) which no one believed I would even though I had been saying I would for 2 weeks. When I did show up everyone laughed and was like "I love you so much for doing this." I ended up having 2 'dates' both of which were women who I'm married to so it's natural. All in all it was a really good time got a lot of dancing done and the potatoes we're great. <3 That's all I ate really, potatoes. Some pasta on the side as well. Then  lots of chocolate. :3
Today I went out with Sera on an ugly sweater adventure, we wore our ugliest sweaters and adventured downtown. I got my mother 3 Christmas gifts as well. I hope she likes them. c:

Kiss my gentle burning bruise.

It's been a hard week again, but don't worry as I have no intention of backing down quite yet.
Lately I've really been into the punk fashion again, it always interests me and inspires me to work on my own fashion.
I also think it's fairly obvious by this point that I'm more into girls again. Don't get me wrong, I still love me some hot body modded guy, but for some reason girls have been drawing me in more so.
It's also become slightly evident that I desire to live a more risky life style and want to take up smoking. That wont be possible for quite some time though so I'm trying to quell me desires for now.

Another thing is, that I screwed everything up with pupal again. Well, maybe, I'm unsure. I made it clear that I cannot continue to live a life where I never think about my own life, where I'm always chasing after her and her boyfriend to be mature. I've given that all up now to be my own woman again, and with that she's now ignoring me. Yet, at the same time, she wont let go of me.
I think it's wrong that I miss her? I mean, she was the only one after 3 years that would fight for me tooth and nail even if she never really showed it. I loved her, I fell in love with her. It wasn't a good move because falling in love with her meant being heart broken when she got her boyfriend. I always said she wasn't my type, but was that true? I'm not sure. I genuinely loved her as I loved Kierra. I made the same mistakes and tried to stop myself but in the process I only hurt her. That and she was starting to annoy me because of her immaturity.
Maybe this is for the better, I sure hope so.

As stated in other posts I did go on a couple of field trips this week, first one to Level Ground Coffee, and the second was to the Law courts in Victoria. Both of them we're really fantastic. Today was actually the first day this week that I didn't have to dress up.
The coffee trip I only missed my Peer Helping class for, and we went inside the Level Ground factory and saw how they make their coffee, how they get the beans, how they're fair trade, how they  market their products and how they changed their image. It was a much more rewarding experience than I had thought it would be. Learning the material in the class room is one thing but when you go out and see how it's applied makes it seem all that more effectful.
Yesterday I went to the Law courts and I had to dress in a skirt, I'm not a skirt kind of girl. We sat in on a murder trial, the witness they had was very elusive and wasn't a very credible man at all. He was obviously a drug dealer yet he just said he "vacuumed" for extra things like a pack of smokes or beer. Plus he contradicted everything he said. We then sat in on a civil trial which had something to do with trees, that's as far as I got. We got to hear what the sheriff does and all his adventures, Luke got put in handcuffs, it was pretty entertaining. We also had a mock trial, and my friends and I went on a grand journey to find the concession.
Now onto the more personal side of my week.
At the very beginning I had a chance to talk with Kyle of facebook, the guy I had liked and just got over him breaking my heart, and he told me he was in a relationship. At first I was happy for him but then he said that he had been with her for like a week. For those of you that don't know a week ago was around the time he had broken up with me. Technically he was cheating on me with her, he was flirting with me to push his love onto someone and his hornyness. I was used, again. I'm glad I never did anything intamate with him on webcam because that would have made me feel way more shitty. I'm hoping the next person I like is a chick, I'm tired of guys.
That was a terrific way to start my week, then on Tuesday, the day after that, I was already in a bit of a sour mood but the ball to my new lip ring (the one shown above) fell down the sink drain, I had taken it out to go look for work which didn't go well, I developed a headache that night and confronted pupal about her skipping last block when I told them not to and how her boyfriend was failing all his classes so I said I was mad at him to the point I didn't want to see nor speak to him for awhile. I hate it when people throw away their future and don't try for anything. Anyway I had figured I had ruined that friendship, my most important one.
I didn't see her the next day but I figured she was skipping, and I was right because when I returned from my Law class Bryanne had  told me so. Pupal and I had plans, but I knew those weren't happening anymore. She had ditched me for her boyfriend again. Whenever she got home she messaged me on facebook telling me that she was sorry for ditching me again, she had a counselling appointment about her trial. She wanted me to be there for her, she could only have one person in the room while she was testifying and she wanted it to be me.
How could I stay mad and hurt when she could have anyone and she chose me? I couldn't. And so now we have plans for a sleep over tomorrow to watch Lord of the Rings while drinking hot chocolate and eating peanut butter toast. Perfect way to spend a night.
Although today I was still in a bad mood about being lonely and slightly heart broken. Kind of was hating myself today. I think it showed.
I'll feel better soon though. (:

A look at the Past again.

First picture is from grade 7 (Oldest photo of me on the internet) The next three are from the summer of 2008 and the rest are from the beginning of grade 9.  I think that was the first time I put on make up as well.
I was on my old photobucket account showing pupal these photos when it struck me how much I've changed for the thousandth time. I was so skinny back then, but not a healthy skinny I mean look at how skeletal my face looks in the last photo! It's like protruding from my body. I do wish I still had that tie though. xD
I prefer the way I look now a lot more. (: